Four years ago my life felt like it was spiraling out of control.
Judah had just survived a double pulmonary embolism and a partially collapsed lung (following a routine knee operation), we had a miscarriage that felt like I had carried death within me. Then, while running for help during a fire that had jumped from our neighbor’s property to ours, Judah tore two of the three ligaments in his ankle. Surgery followed—and then we learned he had a non-cancerous tumor on his spine, which we were told he might be able to have surgically removed.
That surgery was supposed to happen just months after Min Min Soe’s wedding, our 10-year anniversary, and the completion of our house.
The what-ifs were deafening.
What if he dies? What if I’m left alone to raise our child? What if... what if... what if...
I walked around feeling like death was at my husband's doorstep.
I didn’t realize how deaf I’d become to hope until Zz, who was then two and a half years old, began comforting me when I cried—wiping away my tears. I told this to a close friend. She told me it wasn’t okay for my two-year-old to be my comforter and suggested I see a counselor. For that, I'm forever grateful.
Due to ethical concerns—specifically around the balance between surgical risk and overall quality of life—the back surgery to remove the tumor has not happened.
The Deafening Sound of What If
I think the what-ifs can be deafening - if you let them. What if this? What if that? Our minds often spiral out of control in the midst of personal struggles or in the midst of collective grief. Life's what ifs can get wildly out of control if we allow our minds to wander, deafening the voice of reason, deafening the voice of truth and squelching any hope of hearing the whispers of the Holy Spirit.
When we get into a season of 'what if-ing' ourselves we need to take a major step back and focus on renewing our minds.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
This doesn't sound like an option if you ask me. It sounds like a directive we are meant to follow. Webster’s Dictionary tells us that “renew” is a verb. There is action involved.
renew : verb
to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection
Healing from the What If's
After walking through months of counseling and dealing with a significant amount of compounding post traumatic stress, I finally graduated from needing my counselor.
What were the two key markers that showed me I was walking into healing and living in hope?
- I no longer felt that I had carried death inside of me. I was able to reframe the experience of miscarriage—seeing that my baby had gone from life to life.
- I was no longer afraid that Judah would die. If he did, I could still live—and live without fear. I didn’t carry the weight of death daily anymore.
Hope matters. Prophecy matters. Your Eschatology matters.
Eschatology is what we believe about the end times—how things will unfold in the future and how God will restore all things.
The way we live in the present is drastically affected by how we see our future. If we have no hope for what’s ahead—or if we’re always predicting doomsday—we’ll live with fear as our lamp.
But if we trust that God has good gifts for us, and that He longs to bring His Kingdom into our world, we can walk through our days with His Word as our lamp, not fear.
It’s our choice to renew our minds and get rid of our stinkin’ thinkin’.
When we surface from the depths of despair and step into the light, we can truly see what God is doing here on earth—and that He really does want Heaven on Earth.
Let's read The Lord's Prayer with that in mind:
9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
Matthew 6:9-13 (NIV)
Let's allow this Scripture to reframe our eschatology and permeate our daily to-do lists.
Jesus taught us to pray:
“Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”
In Heaven, there is no sorrow, tears, suffering, war, pain, sickness, division or death.
Let's live out our days from a place of a renewed mind, steadfast in praying for His Kingdom to be on earth as it is in Heaven...
Let us walk in hope, not in fear.
Let us hear his voice, not the deafening what ifs.
